Once again, MillerCoors is the target of a frivolous lawsuit and, once again, it is being initiated by a complete boob. After having a case thrown out where the company was being sued for referring to Blue Moon as “artfully crafted,” MillerCoors is now being attacked by Florida idiot Joaquin Lorenzo for claiming Coors Light is brewed in the Rockies. And despite still using the original brewery in the—you guessed it—Rocky Mountains, some of the Coors Light is brewed elsewhere, making the statements false.

If I were the judge, I would set a few cans of Coors in front of Lorenzo and tell him the lawsuit is his if he can tell which were and were not brewed in the Rockies at the original facility, because he wouldn’t be able to tell. Regardless of where it’s brewed, it all tastes the same. That’s the whole backbone of the macrobreweries—you know you’re going to get the same watered down swill each and every time.

Some of the phrases Lorenzo is claiming are misleading are phrases that are meaningless when looked at by a rational human being. “Proudly brewed in the Rocky Mountain tradition” – does this claim it’s brewed in the mountains? No. “Born in the Rockies” – true statement. “When the mountains turn blue it’s as cold as the Rockies” – who gives a shit? This could just as easily say “When the mountains turn blue it’s as cold as your refrigerator.” That doesn’t mean the brewery is claiming to brew the beer in your fridge.

Lorenzo’s main point of contention is that the claim of being brewed in the Rockies has allowed Coors to charge a premium for the beer and if it weren’t for that, he would have chosen something cheaper.

Really? REALLY? Let’s break that down. First, the claim that Coors charges a premium. If the price of a case of Coors Light is premium to you, I’m sorry but you just can’t afford to drink beer. And something that you can’t taste and wouldn’t know if it was there or not (the Rocky Mountain water) is what is allowing Coors to do that? Hardly. Finally, what are you going to buy that’s cheaper than Coors Light?

If the Rocky Mountains are all that’s keeping you from dropping down to Natty Light—and you’re not a college student—you’ve got serious problems, and your choice of beer is the least of them. And damn you, Joaquin Lorenzo. Not only for wasting everyone’s time by being a money-grubbing idiot, but damn you for making me side with a macrobrewery once again.

Photo via Flickr user robnguyen01