Dear Bud Light Drinkers: You are idiots.

Before you get upset, that’s not coming from me (though I’ve had my doubts), but straight from Budweiser. Since making fun of the craft beer segment that they are so desperately trying to buy their way into didn’t go over very well, Bud is falling back on their “Up for Whatever” garbage to try to be hip and cool and appeal to millennials. And they’re doing that with hilarious phrases telling you which whacky situations Bud Light is perfect for.

"Our fans will truly need to be 'Up for Whatever' when they're enjoying a Bud Light out on the town," said Alex Lambrecht, vice president of Bud Light. "We think they'll have fun doing the ideas printed on our bottles.” You will have SO MUCH fun! Dust off that Jock Jams CD, Bud Light drinker, and cue up “Get Ready for This,” because you truly better be up for whatever if you’re going to follow the Bud Light labels with such crazy notions as it being the perfect beer for “tuning up the old air guitar,” “taking off the blindfold and showing that piñata who’s boss” or “when you’re eating breakfast meats outside of breakfast hours.” WOAH! Slow down, Bud Light! My millennial 30-second attention span brain can only handle so much excitement, and you are juicing up all my party receptors to full blast!

The best saying so far, though, is that Bud Light is “the perfect beer for passionately toasting things you really don’t know much about.” You know, because you’re stupid. But I wonder what these things you don’t know about could possibly be. What millennials actually want in their advertising? How to make commercials that don’t directly offend breweries you just bought and want to work with? How to make good beer?

But why does AB-InBev think you’re idiots? Because they actually think this will work on you. They’re so profoundly misguided as to think anyone at all will give a shit about what is on these labels and, even worse, will actually try to perform any of the inane phrases on the bottle. Even Carol Phillips, president of the Brand Amplitude consulting firm that specializes in millennials, knows absolutely nothing about millennials. "While the big brands are still big, the little guys are cooler and hipper. So if you are a big brand, you've got to do the things that only big brands can do. A little brand can't do this.” She also said Bud Light "can't be a craft beer. So what can they do? They can leverage their scale to bring some experiences that you can't get from a craft beer."

Thank god. And thank you, Carol, for recognizing exactly what I want with my beer. Every time I sit down with a pretentious, $7 craft beer, I think, “this is delicious and all, but it’s lacking some kind of experience.” But not anymore, because I’ve found “the perfect beer for forming a one-person conga line.” All is right in the world once again.

Photo via Bud Light